Don't shape me into something I am not

I was not an adult, I was never a kid after that... first... moment. Words I kinda live by. You see, I am also groomed and abused by a child molestor and a pedophile. Or multiple in this case. I come from a family of pedophiles and child molestors from my fathers side of the family. But as far as my family goes there was one, just the one, that made it so that he could live his sexual tendancies and fantasies onto me.

When pedophiles say some kids want the sex, they are partially right as it comes to the kids they groomed, yes. But before your pedophile hands start applauding me saying that, notice the words PARTIALLY. Just partially. And mostly you are pretty much completely wrong. I for one, shamefully and with ill feelings in my stomach, admit part of me wanted it.

For one reason and one reason only. The attention. Just the attention. Nothing more then the attention. I did not want your hands on those place. I did not want any of the wet kisses. I never wanted your sex. You won't call it rape, but I will. You raped my innocense. My consciousness. My childhood. I was not ready to become an adult, I wanted to stay a kid, young and carefree. But from that day on foreward, I wasn't a child anymore.

You think sex with adults will teach me something. It won't. Adults are the ones that need to teach me love, with no strings attached. That I can trust someone within my own boundaries. Affection without lust. How carefree a hug, a cuddle, a kiss can be, without any hidden meanings.

But I grew up thinking, that sex was the only way to get the attention I needed. That adults have hidden meanings. That I can not trust anyone. Cause the moment the lines are getting crossed, that happens, you lose trust. And part of you know, this is wrong. This is wrong. This is not the way I want this.

And don't blame adults that told me this was wrong, cause I had no one, no one knew what was happening. Don't blame society. Cause at that point I had no one to "indoctrinate" me on it being wrong cause no one knew they should have teached me. I by now wish they did. It might have stopped sooner.

It was all him that created this in me. These emotions I can not even begin to explain. He hurt me bad. And it is all you that do that to other children when you abuse them. You hurt them. You hurt them. Stop making excuses and be honest. You are arrogant, self-centered haters of childhood and innocence.

Every child forces into adulthood to soon is a child that loses his most precious gift. Their innocence. Their chances to be free of the troubles that burden our grown up lives so. Leave them be. Let them become themselves, not little you's.